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  Locutus

 

After playing all-American sports like football, baseball, and wrestling, Locutus eventually grew up, moved to Europe for a year, and figured out what real sports are like. After making friends with a local Santa Barbara [California] wrench named Noah Gilbert, he got a deal on a 1988 Specialized Steel Frame, with Shimano 600 components and a Durace Freewheel. After going on numerous rides with Noah, he learned that he sucked at cycling.

However, despite the lack of talent, he began to ride as a true tourist and became a disturbingly obsessed fan of the sport. More recently, he lived in Atlanta for three years (basically, cycling hell for tourists). During office hours at his university job he became addicted to online fantasy cycling games (like those run by Fabio), largely to console himself over the lack of good rides in Atlanta for people who don't like to take their life in their hands. Eventually, he achieved a striking success as the 2001 Grand Prize Winner of the Mario Cipollini "Win the Final Sprint" competition. Armed with a new Cannondale CAAD 4 road frame, a new helmet, a couple of new Saeco jerseys, and new sunglasses--all color coordinated, and courtesy of  Mario Cipollini--he moved back to Los Angeles in his home state of California to take a permanent University position. Now he rides as much as he can, and looks like a much better cyclist than he is...again, thanks to Mario Cipollini.

Inspired (or deluded) by his fantasy cycling success, Locutus began to write cycling reports to his old friend Noah, who was stranded in New York without the benefit of OLN. Eventually, he got up the nerve to submit some of his goofy, couch-potato cycling journalism to a competition at The Daily Peloton, where the judges showed pity on him and published his work. Now he thinks he can write, and so he regularly inflicts his unsolicited opinions on the editors and readers of the Daily Peloton every chance he gets. He still watches OLN obsessively, and is still searching for good rides in the LA area, which he is learning is not a lot better than Atlanta for road cycling. But at least it's close to Santa Barbara, which he considers cycling heaven for tourists like himself.

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