By Tick of
Haven't you ever wondered about all those "nice" interviews? Nice questions,
nice answers -- and boring as hell! Here's a look at what really goes on the
minds of riders being interviewed. Read the first round of interview Q and A's
Q. What did you think of the team presentation?
Answer 1. It was great to see how the management always comes up with new and
creative ideas to present us to the media and the public for the new season.
(What a ridiculous spectacle that was! And what a waste of time -- we'd all have
been better off if we could have used the day for training!)
Answer 2. I am always fascinated by the questions the press comes up with!
(And this year they were even stupider than ever!)
Answer 3. As a foreigner, it was interesting to see how other countries
handle this sort of thing. (I didn't understand a word anybody said, the
translator was awful, and none of the journalists went to the trouble of asking
me anything anyway.)
Answer 4. It's always a good opportunity for the team to renew its
relationship with the press and the public. (Like anybody wants to talk to me!
I'm the lowliest of the water carriers, who has never won anything and never
will, I'm not even young or cute enough for the Chicks to be interested in
Q. You have said you're interested in going for a gold medal in the
Olympic track events...
A. Yes, I started my career on the track and think I can still pull it off!
(I rode track for six months as a teenager, and hated every minute of it, but I
know I don't have a chance in hell of making my country's road team, and
besides, this statement got my name in the press!)
Q. You originally said you wanted to go for a gold medal in the Olympic
track events, but have changed your mind. Why?
A. I realized it's more important to concentrate on my regular season. The
Olympics are a great dream, but my career is reality, and that's more important.
(I trained a bit on the track and even the amateur teenagers beat me!)
Q. How was your team's training camp?
A. Great! It was great to have all the team together and get to know the new
guys. And the training conditions were great, too! (I roomed with one of our new
guys -- what a jerk! And the conditions? All the other hotel guests were about
87 years old, the sauna was broken, the SD wouldn't let us go to the disco, and
the team brought its own cook, so we ate "healthy" rather than "delicious".)
Q. What are your goals for this season?
Answer 1. As a newcomer I just want to integrate myself into the team. (I
want to make sure the Sporting Director remembers my name at the end of the
Answer 2. To do as well as I can to help the team. (To do well enough to get
a contract for next year.)
Answer 3. This is my last year, so I want to do well and go out in style!
(And make everyone forget how rotten I've been for the last few years!)
Q. Your first race keeps getting pushed back later and later. Are you
having any problems in your preparations for the year?
A. Of course not! I just think it's better to keep on training with a few
close friends rather than start in on racing. (I'm so fat and out of shape I
don't dare show myself in public!)
Q. Your team has caused a lot of public comment with the new jerseys. What
do you think of them?
A. That's really not important at all -- I'm just proud to represent our
sponsor! (Ugliest things I ever saw -- we're all trying to figure out how to
Q. There have been disclosures lately that the newest doping takes the
form of blood transfusions. What do you think of that?
A. I can't imagine it! The things that could go wrong...plus, of course, it's
illegal! You can bet I'll never do that! (I wonder if it really works......)
Q. To everyone's surprise, your team only got a GS-II license this year.
How do you feel about that?
A. Obviously we knew that the team was having financial problems, and we all
find it good that the UCI is finally taking steps to protect us riders. (I'm mad
as hell and my agent is doing all he can to get me out of this contract!)
Q. Erik, congraulations on your first victory this season. But first a
question about Jan!
A. OK! No problem! (AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!)