Satire from Tick of
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Diary of a JanFan
Jan is going back to Telekom! Home again! Thank God! Now he'll finally have
responsible people around him, people who like him and will take care of him and
will look after him and help him. He had so many responsibilities all on him
alone while he was with Bianchi, it was just all too much for him. And Telekom
has always been so good to him, I never really did understand why he left them.
I just realized that this Erich Zable is still with Telekom and will probably
insist on a place on the TdF team next year -- taking a place away from one of
Jan's helpers! And this Zibel will probably even want a helper of his own --
another place gone! How dare he? Who is he, anyway? What has he ever won? Why
does he think he has the right to a place on the team at all? It's obvious that
he's much too old to help Jan or to sprint any more.....
That Bianchi team! Those awful people! It turns out that they haven't paid Jan
since August! How can they! He's a family man now, he has responsibilities! He
has bills to pay! The poor boy, how do they expect him to support his family?
And that horrid old Hanegraaf wants to sue him! What did that man ever do for
him? I never could stand him!
Jan just had his last race of the season, a criterium in Kazakhstan to benefit
Andrei Kivilev's family. He finished second, but I guess he really had to let
Vino win this one. And since Vino won't be allowed to win anything next season
-- because he'll be riding for Jan, who will win everything! -- I guess it's ok
to let him win an insignificant little race like this one.
Lance is dating Sandra Bullock! Lance is dating Sheryl Crowe! Whoopee for him! I
hope he gets into that Hollywood-Show Biz party scene and forgets about his
bike! It would serve him right!
Jan opened the Six Days race in München -- he fired the opening shot! And there
were such darling pictures of him with the pistol in one hand and a sweet little
stuffed animal for Sarah Maria in the other hand! I did get a bit disturbed at
the photo of him tucking the pistol into his waistband -- I mean, I know it
didn't have real ammunition in it, but still, Jan might want to have more
children one day.....
Well, that old Coast or Bianchi or whatever they're called will all be history
soon! Jan said today that he has turned everything over to his lawyers --they'll
straighten it all out and make sure Jan gets his missed paychecks. And Rudy said
that he has left that old team to follow Jan again -- I mean, that team is just
a bunch of losers without Jan, so why should Rudy care about them? Jan is the
only one who counts!
Today was the official T-Mobile Team press presentation and Jan wasn't there!
Eeryone said it was becasue that horrid old Hanegraaf was making such a stink
becsue Jan is still under contract to him. But I know the truth! The
presentation was on board a ship on the Rhine River! Outside! In the cool and
damp! What a risk to get sick! So what if that Zabbel got his picture taken
wearing a funny hat and steering the ship -- Jan still got all the headlines!
(...a conversation overheard between Hans-Michael Holczer and Team
Gerolsteiner's PR agent....)
HMH: Hey, man, you're not doing your job! We're not getting any press!
PR: Come on, it's the off-season. What do you expect? Enjoy the peace and
HMH: I know its the off-season, but other teams are getting lots of press.
Look at USPS and Lance!
PR: Anybody on your team divorcing the mother of his three young children and
dating a show-biz star?
PR: You wanna lose your sponsor and half your team before you find a new one?
HMH: I guess not. Mercatone?
PR: Is your team going under because your captain is in a "deep personal
HMH: Well, no. Banesto?
PR: You're really not keeping up with things, are you? Another team that
could barely find a new sponsor?
HMH: No, I'm thankful for my sponsor, but still a little publicity never
hurts. How about Kelme?
PR: Oh, that's easy. Just stop paying your riders, your taxes, your UCI
HMH: That's too risky for me! But look at our top rival, Telekom. They just
had their team meeting, like we did, and they got all kinds of headlines!
PR: OK, get Davide involved in a drunk-driving crash, have knee surgery, get
suspended for popping Ecstasy, change teams, have his new team suspended not
once but twice, finish second in the Tour, change back to your team and then
have legal problems with the "old" team.
HMH: Davide? Never! I guess you're right, sometimes no publicity is the best!