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More Season End Angst
By Staff
Date: 11/27/2003
More Season End Angst

Satire from Tick of Cycling4Fans. Read previous Season-End Angst.

Diary of a JanFan

Dear Diary,
Jan is going back to Telekom! Home again! Thank God! Now he'll finally have responsible people around him, people who like him and will take care of him and will look after him and help him. He had so many responsibilities all on him alone while he was with Bianchi, it was just all too much for him. And Telekom has always been so good to him, I never really did understand why he left them.

Dear Diary,
I just realized that this Erich Zable is still with Telekom and will probably insist on a place on the TdF team next year -- taking a place away from one of Jan's helpers! And this Zibel will probably even want a helper of his own -- another place gone! How dare he? Who is he, anyway? What has he ever won? Why does he think he has the right to a place on the team at all? It's obvious that he's much too old to help Jan or to sprint any more.....

Dear Diary,
That Bianchi team! Those awful people! It turns out that they haven't paid Jan since August! How can they! He's a family man now, he has responsibilities! He has bills to pay! The poor boy, how do they expect him to support his family? And that horrid old Hanegraaf wants to sue him! What did that man ever do for him? I never could stand him!

Dear Diary,
Jan just had his last race of the season, a criterium in Kazakhstan to benefit Andrei Kivilev's family. He finished second, but I guess he really had to let Vino win this one. And since Vino won't be allowed to win anything next season -- because he'll be riding for Jan, who will win everything! -- I guess it's ok to let him win an insignificant little race like this one.

Dear Diary,
Lance is dating Sandra Bullock! Lance is dating Sheryl Crowe! Whoopee for him! I hope he gets into that Hollywood-Show Biz party scene and forgets about his bike! It would serve him right!

Dear Diary,
Jan opened the Six Days race in München -- he fired the opening shot! And there were such darling pictures of him with the pistol in one hand and a sweet little stuffed animal for Sarah Maria in the other hand! I did get a bit disturbed at the photo of him tucking the pistol into his waistband -- I mean, I know it didn't have real ammunition in it, but still, Jan might want to have more children one day.....

Dear Diary,
Well, that old Coast or Bianchi or whatever they're called will all be history soon! Jan said today that he has turned everything over to his lawyers --they'll straighten it all out and make sure Jan gets his missed paychecks. And Rudy said that he has left that old team to follow Jan again -- I mean, that team is just a bunch of losers without Jan, so why should Rudy care about them? Jan is the only one who counts!

Dear Diary,
Today was the official T-Mobile Team press presentation and Jan wasn't there! Eeryone said it was becasue that horrid old Hanegraaf was making such a stink becsue Jan is still under contract to him. But I know the truth! The presentation was on board a ship on the Rhine River! Outside! In the cool and damp! What a risk to get sick! So what if that Zabbel got his picture taken wearing a funny hat and steering the ship -- Jan still got all the headlines!

Gerolsteiner's PR.....

(...a conversation overheard between Hans-Michael Holczer and Team Gerolsteiner's PR agent....)

HMH: Hey, man, you're not doing your job! We're not getting any press!

PR: Come on, it's the off-season. What do you expect? Enjoy the peace and quiet.

HMH: I know its the off-season, but other teams are getting lots of press. Look at USPS and Lance!

PR: Anybody on your team divorcing the mother of his three young children and dating a show-biz star?

HMH: No...........ONCE?

PR: You wanna lose your sponsor and half your team before you find a new one?

HMH: I guess not. Mercatone?

PR: Is your team going under because your captain is in a "deep personal crisis"?

HMH: Well, no. Banesto?

PR: You're really not keeping up with things, are you? Another team that could barely find a new sponsor?

HMH: No, I'm thankful for my sponsor, but still a little publicity never hurts. How about Kelme?

PR: Oh, that's easy. Just stop paying your riders, your taxes, your UCI registration fees.....

HMH: That's too risky for me! But look at our top rival, Telekom. They just had their team meeting, like we did, and they got all kinds of headlines!

PR: OK, get Davide involved in a drunk-driving crash, have knee surgery, get suspended for popping Ecstasy, change teams, have his new team suspended not once but twice, finish second in the Tour, change back to your team and then have legal problems with the "old" team.

HMH: Davide? Never! I guess you're right, sometimes no publicity is the best!

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Cycling: News Roundup 24 November 2003

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