For your enjoyment, four pieces of satire from the Daily Peloton's
friend, contributor and translator extraordinaire, Tick.
Email Exchange #1
Walter! What is this I hear -- Ullrich might come back to Telekom? What about
me? I'm the new captain at Telekom!
Now, Andreas, don't get upset. Just think, with you and Ullrich as
co-captains we could finish 1-2 in the Tour in 2004 and blast Armstrong away!
ANDREAS??!!?? You don't even know my name! And I'm the one and only captain
-- you promised!
Now Axel, keep calm. I'm sure Ullrich will let you win Paris-Nice again next
year. You know he's not one for such early races.
AXEL? And what about the Tour de Suisse? I want to defend my title there,
Oh, Armin, don't be so greedy! You can let Jan have the Tour de Suisse, can't
you? And by the way, he wants to win a Spring Classic, too, so we'll have to let
him have Amstel Gold, too. You don't mind, do you? But you can win Paris-Nice
and come in second in Amstel Gold, Tour de Suisse and the TdF. Isn't that good
enough for you?
to W. Godefroot@tt.de
ARMIN?? No! I want more! I have earned it!
from W. Godefroot@tt.de
Oh, all right, Alvin, if you're going to make a fuss about it......You can
keep your Yakovlev Mizurov or whoever.....
Email Exchange #2
Hey, Rudy! What's up with a contract for me? I'm going on vacation soon and
Gabi keeps bugging me to get everything lined up for next season first. You know
what I want: 3 years, 2 million a year, my whole entourage and 4 or 5 big-name
helpers. How does it look with a new sponsor?
Now, Jan, we're doing everything we can. Jacques and I are on the phone every
day trying to find a new sponsor for you, er, for the team. In fact, we've got
some pretty good prospects lined up. Want to hear them?
Sure! I think I ought to approve them first, since I am, after all, THE
OK, but I don't think you're going to like some of them: Du Darfst,
Slim-Fast, Weight Watchers....
Why does everyone keep harping on my weight? Forget them!
After that little incident in the Tour, Charmin Toilet Paper expressed an
Alpia, Milka, Haribo, M and M's, Ferraro, Langnesse....
Har har har..... now get serious!
Hey, we're doing our best! Maybe you don't know what the general economic
situation is like -- money is tight!
Money is tight? No kidding! I have a family to support now, you know -- do
you have any idea how expensive Pampers are?
What a great idea! I'll start making calls: Pampers, Alete, Hipp......
Diary of a Janfan
The best thing in the whole world has happened! Our Jan is a Daddy! Sarah
Maria -- what a beautiful name for a beautiful little angel! It must break his
heart to have to leave her immediately... :-(
Sarah Maria's birth obviously had a profound effect on Jan. How exceptionally
well he did in the Tour! Not that I was surprised -- I knew he would do well. In
fact I was actually expecting him to win. Second place isn't so bad though --
not really -- of course it's not as good as first but it's not really all that
bad -- if only he hadn't crashed in the time trial he could have easily made up
those minutes he was behind Lance and beat him by 30 seconds -- or more!
Well, probably he lost because of his good nature -- when he waited when
Lance crashed. But that only shows what a good person he is -- always thinking
of others, of fairness, of the right thing to do. And isn't that the difference
between Jan and Lance? Lance would never have waited. Never! I mean, this was
nothing like Jan's crash several years ago when Lance allegedly waited. Nothing
at all like it! Nothing!
That Armstrong! What does he do but open his big fat mouth and say Jan didn't
wait after all! Honestly! It just shows what an unworthy person he is! What
gives him the right to criticize Jan like that? What gives him the right to
criticize Jan at all?
Now Jan is winning practically every Criterium race he enters. But he wins
them honestly, none of this "the winner is determined in advance" nonsense! Our
Jan would never do that!
I keep waiting for Bianchi's announcement of the new co-sponsor. How
difficult can it be? Jan is such an overwhelming success and so incredibly
popular, that I'm sure there must be lots of companies out there willing to put
out millions of Euros for him!
Second again in Zürich! I tell you, that Nutella from Telekom -- or whatever
his name is -- is sure lucky that the race wasn't 500 meters longer. Then Jan
would have won for sure! Oh well, there's still the Vuelta and the World
Championships. Jan ought to win them both easily!
Of course our poor Jan is tired after such a difficult season and of course
he wants to spend time with his precious daughter. Who could expect anything
more from him? It's much more important to be with his family and to rest up
than to force himself to ride in the Vuelta and Worlds (and risk doing
I wish I knew what was up with the new sponsor! Time is getting short, they
had better hurry up or all the best available riders will be taken! But I trust
Rudy and Jacques, I know they'll find a great sponsor!
Well, maybe Jan should go back to Telekom. He has so many good friends there
and the team has always treated him so well. And more important, they have no
sponsor problems and always pay on time! After all, Jan is family man now and
Hmm, a merger with Saeco ..... does Jan even drink coffee? An Italian team --
well, Jan wants to move there for the winter to train, anyway. There's one major
problem, though -- our Jan in that bright red Saeco jersey? No way!
I mean, it can't be too difficult to get things settled for Jan for next
season. It's not like he's asking for so much: a few million a year for a few
years and guaranteed work for his S.D., mechanic, training partner, physical
therapist, hairdresser, cook, cleaning woman, chauffeur, and babysitter. Sounds
reasonable to me!
Email Exchange #3
Hey Manny! How's it going? Are you having any more luck than we are in
finding a sponsor? I never dreamed it would be so hard. I'm starting to get
discouraged. Can you help me?
Hi amigo! I see press reports that you may have a new sponsor lined up. Is
that true, or is that just the usual line we all use when we're desperate? And
if you know of another company willing to put up big bucks, steer them my way!
Do things look any better up there in Northern Europe that they do down here?
I think I've got something lined up -- at least that's what I'm telling the
press -- but things are tough! Do you have any tips for me?
Hey, you guys really have it tough! You win the most important race in the US
and then just days later your sponsor drops you! What a bummer! But I hear you
don't expect any problems finding a new sponsor -- think you can find one for
Rudy, old buddy! I know we've never actually met, but we do have something in
common -- we're both looking for sponsors! You know, the economy in Germany is
so much better than here in the US, can't you help me find a German company that
wants to make its name well-known in the US?
from R. PevenageBianchi.de
Listen, guys, I have an idea. What do you think of this................
UCI Press Release
The UCI accounced today that it has received an application for a team
license for the 2004 season from Team Bianchi-Once-Banesto-Fakta-Saturn...