Search the news archive:
 
Season-End Angst
 
By Staff
Date: 9/19/2003
Season-End Angst
 

For your enjoyment, four pieces of satire from the Daily Peloton's friend, contributor and translator extraordinaire, Tick.


Email Exchange #1

from A.Wino@tt.de
to W.Godefrot@tt.de

Walter! What is this I hear -- Ullrich might come back to Telekom? What about me? I'm the new captain at Telekom!

from W.Godefrot@tt.de
to A.Wino@tt.de

Now, Andreas, don't get upset. Just think, with you and Ullrich as co-captains we could finish 1-2 in the Tour in 2004 and blast Armstrong away!

from A.Wino@tt.de
to W.Godefroot@tt.de

ANDREAS??!!?? You don't even know my name! And I'm the one and only captain -- you promised!

from W.Godefroot@tt.de
to A.Wino@tt.de

Now Axel, keep calm. I'm sure Ullrich will let you win Paris-Nice again next year. You know he's not one for such early races.

from A.Wino@tt.de
to W.Godefroot@t.de

AXEL? And what about the Tour de Suisse? I want to defend my title there, too!

from W.Godefroot@tt.de
to A.Wino@tt.de

Oh, Armin, don't be so greedy! You can let Jan have the Tour de Suisse, can't you? And by the way, he wants to win a Spring Classic, too, so we'll have to let him have Amstel Gold, too. You don't mind, do you? But you can win Paris-Nice and come in second in Amstel Gold, Tour de Suisse and the TdF. Isn't that good enough for you?

from A.Wino@tt.de
to W. Godefroot@tt.de

ARMIN?? No! I want more! I have earned it!

from W. Godefroot@tt.de
to A.Wino@tt.de

Oh, all right, Alvin, if you're going to make a fuss about it......You can keep your Yakovlev Mizurov or whoever.....

from A.Wino@tt.de
to B.Riis@CSC.dk

Hello, Bjarne?................


Email Exchange #2

from J.Ullrich@bianchi.de
to R.Pevenage@bianchi.de

Hey, Rudy! What's up with a contract for me? I'm going on vacation soon and Gabi keeps bugging me to get everything lined up for next season first. You know what I want: 3 years, 2 million a year, my whole entourage and 4 or 5 big-name helpers. How does it look with a new sponsor?

from R.Pevenage@bianchi.de
to J.Ullrich@bianchi.de

Now, Jan, we're doing everything we can. Jacques and I are on the phone every day trying to find a new sponsor for you, er, for the team. In fact, we've got some pretty good prospects lined up. Want to hear them?

from JU@bianchi.de
to RP@bianchi.de

Sure! I think I ought to approve them first, since I am, after all, THE STAR.....

from RP@bianchi.de
to JU@bianchi.de

OK, but I don't think you're going to like some of them: Du Darfst, Slim-Fast, Weight Watchers....

from JU@bianchi.de
to RP@bianchi.de

Why does everyone keep harping on my weight? Forget them!

from RP@bianchi.de
to JU@bianchi.de

After that little incident in the Tour, Charmin Toilet Paper expressed an interest....

from JU@bianchi.de
to RP@bianchi.de

NO!

from RP@bianchi.de
to JU@bianchi.de

Alpia, Milka, Haribo, M and M's, Ferraro, Langnesse....

from JU@bianchi.de
to RP@bianchi.de

Har har har..... now get serious!

from RP@bianchi.de
to JU@bianchi.de

Hey, we're doing our best! Maybe you don't know what the general economic situation is like -- money is tight!

from JU@bianchi.de
to RP@bianchi.de

Money is tight? No kidding! I have a family to support now, you know -- do you have any idea how expensive Pampers are?

from RP@bianchi.de
to JU@bianchi.de

What a great idea! I'll start making calls: Pampers, Alete, Hipp......


Diary of a Janfan

Dear Diary,

The best thing in the whole world has happened! Our Jan is a Daddy! Sarah Maria -- what a beautiful name for a beautiful little angel! It must break his heart to have to leave her immediately... :-(

Dear Diary,

Sarah Maria's birth obviously had a profound effect on Jan. How exceptionally well he did in the Tour! Not that I was surprised -- I knew he would do well. In fact I was actually expecting him to win. Second place isn't so bad though -- not really -- of course it's not as good as first but it's not really all that bad -- if only he hadn't crashed in the time trial he could have easily made up those minutes he was behind Lance and beat him by 30 seconds -- or more!

Well, probably he lost because of his good nature -- when he waited when Lance crashed. But that only shows what a good person he is -- always thinking of others, of fairness, of the right thing to do. And isn't that the difference between Jan and Lance? Lance would never have waited. Never! I mean, this was nothing like Jan's crash several years ago when Lance allegedly waited. Nothing at all like it! Nothing!

Dear Diary,

That Armstrong! What does he do but open his big fat mouth and say Jan didn't wait after all! Honestly! It just shows what an unworthy person he is! What gives him the right to criticize Jan like that? What gives him the right to criticize Jan at all?

Dear Diary,

Now Jan is winning practically every Criterium race he enters. But he wins them honestly, none of this "the winner is determined in advance" nonsense! Our Jan would never do that!

Dear Diary,

I keep waiting for Bianchi's announcement of the new co-sponsor. How difficult can it be? Jan is such an overwhelming success and so incredibly popular, that I'm sure there must be lots of companies out there willing to put out millions of Euros for him!

Dear Diary,

Second again in Zürich! I tell you, that Nutella from Telekom -- or whatever his name is -- is sure lucky that the race wasn't 500 meters longer. Then Jan would have won for sure! Oh well, there's still the Vuelta and the World Championships. Jan ought to win them both easily!

Dear Diary,

Of course our poor Jan is tired after such a difficult season and of course he wants to spend time with his precious daughter. Who could expect anything more from him? It's much more important to be with his family and to rest up than to force himself to ride in the Vuelta and Worlds (and risk doing poorly...........)

Dear Diary,

I wish I knew what was up with the new sponsor! Time is getting short, they had better hurry up or all the best available riders will be taken! But I trust Rudy and Jacques, I know they'll find a great sponsor!

Dear Diary,

Well, maybe Jan should go back to Telekom. He has so many good friends there and the team has always treated him so well. And more important, they have no sponsor problems and always pay on time! After all, Jan is family man now and has responsibilities!

Dear Diary,

Hmm, a merger with Saeco ..... does Jan even drink coffee? An Italian team -- well, Jan wants to move there for the winter to train, anyway. There's one major problem, though -- our Jan in that bright red Saeco jersey? No way!

Dear Diary,

I mean, it can't be too difficult to get things settled for Jan for next season. It's not like he's asking for so much: a few million a year for a few years and guaranteed work for his S.D., mechanic, training partner, physical therapist, hairdresser, cook, cleaning woman, chauffeur, and babysitter. Sounds reasonable to me!


Email Exchange #3

from R.Pevenage@Bianchi.de
to M.Saiz@Once.es

Hey Manny! How's it going? Are you having any more luck than we are in finding a sponsor? I never dreamed it would be so hard. I'm starting to get discouraged. Can you help me?

from M.Saiz@Once.es
to S.D@Banesto.es

Hi amigo! I see press reports that you may have a new sponsor lined up. Is that true, or is that just the usual line we all use when we're desperate? And if you know of another company willing to put up big bucks, steer them my way!

from S.D.@Banesto.es
to S.D@Fakta.dk

Do things look any better up there in Northern Europe that they do down here? I think I've got something lined up -- at least that's what I'm telling the press -- but things are tough! Do you have any tips for me?

from S.D.@Fakta.dk
to S.D.@Saturn.com

Hey, you guys really have it tough! You win the most important race in the US and then just days later your sponsor drops you! What a bummer! But I hear you don't expect any problems finding a new sponsor -- think you can find one for us, too?

from S.D.@Saturn.com
to R.Pevenage@Bianchi.de

Rudy, old buddy! I know we've never actually met, but we do have something in common -- we're both looking for sponsors! You know, the economy in Germany is so much better than here in the US, can't you help me find a German company that wants to make its name well-known in the US?

from R. PevenageBianchi.de
to M.Saiz@Once.es
S.D.@Banesto.es
S.D.@Fakta.dk
S.D.@Saturn.com

Listen, guys, I have an idea. What do you think of this................

UCI Press Release

The UCI accounced today that it has received an application for a team license for the 2004 season from Team Bianchi-Once-Banesto-Fakta-Saturn...


Copyright © 2002-2011 by Daily Peloton.
| contact us |